Status Abuse

Mother of god, THEY’VE CHANGED IT AGAIN!

There I was, minding my own business and carelessly clicking on the Facebook shortcut for the 787^th time today, and what do I see when the page loads? Carnage. It’s completely different! The things that were over there are over here now, and the things that were over here…well shit, I can’t even find them! How the hell am I supposed to know whose birthday it is? This is complete and utter chaos – the stock markets will surely drop because of it. My god, another recession is coming! Why would you do this to us Mark Zuckerburg? Do you hate us? DO YOU HATE AMERICA???

This is a summation of some statuses I’ve seen since Facebook made a few minor changes to its layout this week. It happens once every twelve months or so – The ‘Book does a subtle redesign to shake things up a little and ultimately improve functionality, and The People Of Facebook collectively react as if a cow had jumped in their bathtub. In reality there isn’t much difference from the previous version, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Why would they change a perfectly good thing? the people moan. It’s as if we expect the developers to consult with each of us individually before making any changes. The irony, of course, is that in another twelve months when Facebook does another minor redesign, we’ll collectively freak out again and long for the days of THIS version. The one we’re currently condemning. It’s a vicious cycle.

Anyway, this public outcry made me think about other stupid things people do with their statuses. Be it worthless, obnoxious, or mind-numbingly repetitive, there is a lot of Facebook status garbage out there. I call it status abuse, and it annoys the hell out of me, just as I’m sure it does many of you. Disclaimer: yes, I know I am under no obligation to read or expose myself to other people’s statuses or Facebook altogether, just as the layout change bitchers are not required to visit the website at all if they find it unsatisfactory. Nobody is holding a gun to our heads – we have complete autonomy to use Facebook as much or as little as we want. But let’s be real: we’re all hopelessly addicted, so there’s no way we’re gonna quit. It’s like nicotine, and there’s no Facebook patch. So instead? We come back again and again, and piss and moan about what we don’t like. It’s just easier that way, and I’m totally okay with the arrangement.

So, commence pissing. Commence moaning. Here’s a (certainly not exhaustive) list of status abuses; things that if people stopped doing, it would make the digital world just a hair better. And yes, I realize pointing out ridiculousness in social media is not exactly a novel concept…it’s been done once or twice. That’s fine. I’ll be following this blog with a standup routine about how men don’t like to stop and ask for directions.

Here we go – examples of status abuse in italics, with descriptions to follow:

Ugh I’m so bored! – While I’m sure you are, since you’re spending your time writing something so inconsequential on a website, this has no meaning. You’re bored. Great. Why do you think we need this information? What are we to do with it? I do not care how bored you are, just as I do not care how tired you are. These are things we all experience, but do not need to be shared with the digital world. Please save your posts for something at least marginally in the same neighborhood as interesting. Also, “ugh” is not a word. It just sounds like you’re pooping.

Working till 4, going to the gym, then having dinner – This is not a status; this is a summary of your day. Again, pointless. Those who need to know what you’re doing – anyone actually involved in your day-to-day life – will already know your personal itinerary. The rest of us don’t give a fuck.

Looking forward to the weekend! ­­– We all are.

(a constant barrage of pictures/posts about your infant or toddler) – Listen, I get it. You’re a mother/father, and your child is your life. It’s how it works, and that’s great. But please try to realize your child isn’t everyone’s life. If they do something of actual note or something actually funny, by all means share it with us. But playing flag football or trying on Dad’s hat do not count. In these cases, keep it in house. Tell your spouse and move on. And all those people commenting on how cute your kid is? They’re just being nice. Sorry.

Why does everything always turn out like this? ­­– Ah yes, the classic vague downer fishing for sympathy. If you’re gonna publicly feel sorry for yourself, at least literally tell us what’s going on. We still don’t care, but that would be slightly interesting. But simply posting a few ambiguous words about how unhappy you are, and hoping someone asks for more info – that’s just pathetic. How insecure can we be, people?

LOL – Stop. Just stop. This has gone on long enough. You are not laughing out loud. So stop. For god’s sake just stop.

Stop.

(song lyrics) – I love music just as much as the next guy, so I completely understand how song lyrics can make you feel, and why you’d want to share that feeling. But when will we finally realize that words sung over a tune do not translate to text in a status box? Even if the reader knows the song and the lyrics, the feeling doesn’t transfer. It usually just ends up looking like a poorly constructed sentence. Which reminds me…

thought i’d hed over to smittys and get a beer anyone want to join meeet me over their should be a god time after thatwe can hit the trails or whatever anywon wanna come jis hit me up on the cel – Listen, this is the internet; I’m not asking for perfect grammar and punctuation. But for shit’s sake have some self-respect. This looks like you vomited your status.

(self-pictures) – You know, a single person holding out the camera and pointing it back at themselves (or taking it in the mirror, same thing) for no real reason, other than to show the world how good they look. Usually alone in their home or a random location. This does not make you look fun or pretty, just lonely and insecure.

Down 25 pts in my fantasy league but got Brady playing tonight. Come on Pats! – Hey, I’m as guilty as anyone of oversharing about fantasy football. But what we need to accept, fantasy players of the world, is that nobody cares about our fantasy team but us. Really, it’s less interesting than Chris Daughtry. Share with people in your league, nobody else.

Headed to the show with @JennyMarquis @PaulDzzz, gonna be crazy! #Aintnostoppingusnow – Wrong website. This isn’t Twitter.

That’s all I got right now. What did I miss?