We all want the most out of life. And I’m here to tell you my friends, I’ve cracked the code. Below, in no particular order, are my “keys to the game,” if you will. My “secret playbook” on reaching peak enjoyment. My “cheat sheet” for solving this puzzle we all call life. Yes indeed, read on if you’re interested in the path to total enlightenment and self actualization:
1. If there is a hammock or robe available, you use it.
It is impossible to be unhappy in either a hammock or robe. If you see one of these things and do not climb in, at least for a few minutes, you are leaving money on the table.
2. Avoid writing “open letters.”
My friends, that dastardly ol’ internet is at it again, for this is the place we’ve begun seeing these “open letters” pop up lately. You know the things; those op-ed style thinkpieces entitled something like “An Open Letter to My Beautiful, Lovely, and Intelligent Wife on Our Anniversary” or maybe “An Open Letter to That Racist/Sexist Butthole Who Said That Thing on TV.” These are almost always public pandering disguised as heartfelt sentiment – simple ploys to show the world just how compassionate you are. Doing this makes you a vain, attention-starved jackass. Feel free to send the letter – any (closed) letter – to the recipient directly. It’s okay to express a sentiment without sharing it with all of humanity.
3. Occasional long bike rides. They cleanse the soul.
4. Keep the meat and the sweet separate.
Recently I was served bacon with some sort of brown sugar glaze, which made me both confused and upset. Here we combine two delightful foods (aside: hey guys isn’t bacon great!!?!?! Haha LOL let’s tell this joke a hundred million more times), yet we aren’t able to completely enjoy either. At least I wasn’t – when tasting the bacon, I always wondered where the brown sugar was. When the brown sugar flavor came through, I wondered what the bacon thought about it. A predicament indeed. My remedy: first meat, then sweet. Let the sweet and savory stand on their own.
5. Never go with a hippie to a second location. (This may be Jack Donaghy’s.)
6. Everything in moderation. Even moderation. (This may be Jim Moen’s.)
Wise words from my pal Jim. Try things, but don’t overdo it, except sometimes.
7. Occasional Total Silence
Trust me, I love music as much as you do. I have it on at home and in the car 90% of the time. But there is a simple beauty that comes with turning off the stereo – and TV – and just being in silence for a little while. Especially in the mornings. Which leads me to…
8. Drink Coffee
“It stains your teeth.” Yeah, it also transforms the Lord’s most unholy hour – the morning hour – into a magical time of charm and possibility. Coffee has allowed me to harness powers I previously did not recognize, and experience more of life. I cannot believe I know adults who still do not drink coffee. Get with the program people. It’s a performance enhancing substance with no real negative side effects. It’s a cheat code for life.
So there you have it. And in the unlikely event that I didn’t FULLY solve the world’s problems, feel free to shoot your own bullet points my way.