Ranking the Bears

Deep in contemplative thought about whether polar bears or grizzly bears are cooler, I realized I must go deeper into this topic. Everyone knows the bear is one of the greatest animals, but what kind of bear is best? How many types of bears are there, really? Is there a worst bear? Could a person ride a bear? Etc.

There are 8 types of bears in all. I have ranked them for you below. We’ll start at the bottom:

8. Sun Bear

This, I’m afraid, is the shittiest bear. This space is not intended to disparage, so let me only say briefly that this pathetic thing barely cracks 100 pounds.

Any bear so tiny was lucky to make it into the bear family at all. Perhaps Donald Rumsfeld pushed it though congress the same time he got Aspartame approved (sorry—inside joke between me and a few dozen other artificial sweetener truthers). They’re apparently traded as pets over in Bangladesh, which is interesting/terrifying.

7. American Black Bear

Yawn. Nothing against the most common bear in North America, but I’m sort of numb to its charms. Overexposure, I’m sure—like a serviceable song you’ve heard one too many times. I just can’t get jazzed about the standard black bear. No real identifying marks, halfway in the middle of the Bear Size Spectrum…whatever.

Plus? Total dick. Known as one of the most aggressive bears, the black bear is also wont to HUNT AND KILL HUMAN BEINGS. What kind of species would intentionally track and murder another? Barbaric.

6. Spectacled Bear

This is where things get interesting. Not a ton to LOVE about this odd subspecies, but nothing really wrong with it, either. The facial coloring is a nice touch. This is the only bear that lives in South America, so it’s all our Latin friends have. National Geographic calls it “diminutive,” but at up to 340 pounds, it could play lineman in the NFL. Alas, they’re banished to soccer country.

5. Sloth Bear

This…this is…something. Raise your hand if you knew this existed before a few seconds ago.

Is it a sloth or bear? Maybe just a big shaggy dog? I’m oddly intrigued.

4. Asiatic Black Bear

Yes, this one is similar to its American counterpart, but like that one annoying guy in your group of friends, I must say the foreign version is better. Its fur is longer, softer, and shaggier. Win, win, win. Adults range from 110-250 lbs, perfect size to snuggle up to on a cold winter night if you could do that kind of thing with bears. Plus, they have that cool chest blaze thing. They’re often called “moon bears.” All in all, a solid showing, good for fourth best bear in the world.

3. Polar Bear

Let’s get this out of the way: polar bears are marauding killing machines. They’re the largest meat eater on land, tearing their way through seals, walruses, and whales on the reg. Adult males can weight up to 1,500 pounds. They can smell blood from 50 miles away and will kill and presumably eat humans if given the chance.

…all of which makes them totally badass. I mean, they live in the arctic. They wear natural cammo. They can swim over 400 MILES AT A TIME. Overall, great bear. Hope I never see one.

2. Giant Panda

GIANT PANDA! The name effortlessly sums up this magnificent creature – so regal, majestic, and worthy of praise. A bear so unique it was almost thrown in with the raccoon family. They mostly stay hidden in the bamboo forests of southern China, leading researches to dub them “elusive” and “mysterious.” Housing 26-84 pounds of bamboo a day, the panda is the lovable fat friend of the bear community.

1. Brown Bear.

I give you, ladies and gents, the brown bear. Ruler of all bears. King of bear mountain. The Bear King. The brown bear wins the top spot on our list with its combination of excellence and reach; it is the most widespread bear in the world.

They’re generally divide into 2 subspecies: grizzlies (the smaller yet still formidable inland version) and kodiaks (the gigantic, coastal Alaskan version that rivals the polar bear in size). They’re omnivores, so I see some of myself in the brown bear. Their diet includes grasses, berries, sedges, fungi, mosses, roots, nuts, fruits, honey, insects, birds, and fish (trout, bass, and salmon, of course), rodents, mountain sheep, caribou, elk, and moose. Talk about a balanced diet! They also eat other bears from time to time, but we won’t get in to that. Nobody likes a cannibal.

The brown bear is just quite simply the quintessential bear. Large and dominant, and without the frills and gimmicks of some other members of this list. Confident in its plush brown coat. Considerably better than the black bear because it would obviously win in a fight. And smarter than the polar bear for realizing life is better south of the Arctic Circle.

The brown bear: the best bear.