Let’s be Honest (Wine Edition)

You lying bastards. Admit it: you don’t know what a good wine is. You have no damn idea. You know what you like, and in the end that’s the only thing that really matters, but we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about good.

We’re talking about “points” (OMG 90+!!!). We’re talking about “the sommelier’s pick.” We’re talking about hundred dollar bottles. We’re talking about all the pretentious stuff.

We’re talking about the idea that a more expensive wine is supposed to mean a “better” wine, and the fact that we all nod along like we actually agree with this. Let’s be honest; we don’t. We all have our favorite grapes and brands, but above a certain price point – let’s say, $20 – none of us can tell a damn difference. Sure, we can tell a decent cabernet from a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, but most of us wouldn’t know we were drinking a $60 dollar bottle unless the price tag told us so. We want to. We pretend to – because it makes us feel smart and cultured. But save for the snobbiest connoisseurs, none of us can.

I’m looking at you, too, waiter, when my lady asks you for a wine recommendation and you suggest a $14 glass. The hell do you think this is, the Virgin America company Christmas party? The hell do you think I am, Richard Branson’s son? There’s no way I’m not putting the squash on that. You already price this shit crazily enough that if I order the $8 glass, I’m the cheap guy. How about you suggest something that isn’t gonna run me a $200 dinner? I know you want us to buy the most expensive one. I get how it works. We’re good on that arrangement. Cut the crap and just tell me which one tastes good.

Gang, let’s stop being beholden to the wine industry’s games. Buy that $12 bottle you like, and stop trying to impress your friends with that high-dollar French garbage. You’re only going to get 4 glasses out of the damn bottle anyway.