Oh yes, yes indeed, this is happening. See below for the book trailer for the Call of the Mountain. A book trailer is like a movie trailer for a book. Weird? A little I guess. Whatever, just watch it.
Turn it up and watch in HD. Or else.
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New Books (and Old Books I Want to Give You for Free)
1. The Call of the Mountain, that novel I keep talking about, is available for preorder on Amazon. This means you can just click the button to buy it now and they’ll magically send it to your device when it’s released on July 21. You should do it. Do it. Honestly, it’s $4. Just do it.
Here’s the skinny:
Deep in the mountains of Colorado, Julian Meyer has escaped his life. The car horns are gone, the suffocating city is gone, and the Wall Street high rise and everything that came with it is gone. The wife is gone. The misery is gone.
He went west to escape a life he hated, and Julian Meyer found solace in the tiny mountain town of Otter Ridge. The pace is slower, the skies are blue, and the mornings are quiet. Julian Meyer can finally relax.
But amidst the detached serenity, there’s evil in those hills. A chaotic web of deceit, corruption, and seduction slowly steals him from the beauty of his surroundings and pushes him into a perverse game in which there is no winner.
The Call of the Mountain is a fast-paced thriller that thrusts the reader square in the middle of mountain life, exploring the depths of greed and obsession and telling the story of one little town with a dangerous addiction.
2. You may have noticed/been annoyed by that little bar on the bottom of this site that’s tempting you with free stuff. Well folks, I am here to tell you it is not a drill – I am indeed giving away free copies of Emails from Heaven in exchange for an email address. Irony? Perhaps. Anywho, I’m not up to anything especially sinister, I just want to keep in touch. This does not mean obnoxious garbage will be flooding your inbox all the time…I use this list a few times a year for book-related stuff. If you don’t see the pop-up thing, just click here.
(If you are already a subscriber to this blog, you can still take me up on this genuine offer of goodwill. It’s a different list and I want us to remain in alliance.)
Ranking the Bears
Deep in contemplative thought about whether polar bears or grizzly bears are cooler, I realized I must go deeper into this topic. Everyone knows the bear is one of the greatest animals, but what kind of bear is best? How many types of bears are there, really? Is there a worst bear? Could a person ride a bear? Etc.
There are 8 types of bears in all. I have ranked them for you below. We’ll start at the bottom:
8. Sun Bear
This, I’m afraid, is the shittiest bear. This space is not intended to disparage, so let me only say briefly that this pathetic thing barely cracks 100 pounds.
Any bear so tiny was lucky to make it into the bear family at all. Perhaps Donald Rumsfeld pushed it though congress the same time he got Aspartame approved (sorry—inside joke between me and a few dozen other artificial sweetener truthers). They’re apparently traded as pets over in Bangladesh, which is interesting/terrifying.
7. American Black Bear
Yawn. Nothing against the most common bear in North America, but I’m sort of numb to its charms. Overexposure, I’m sure—like a serviceable song you’ve heard one too many times. I just can’t get jazzed about the standard black bear. No real identifying marks, halfway in the middle of the Bear Size Spectrum…whatever.
Plus? Total dick. Known as one of the most aggressive bears, the black bear is also wont to HUNT AND KILL HUMAN BEINGS. What kind of species would intentionally track and murder another? Barbaric.
6. Spectacled Bear
This is where things get interesting. Not a ton to LOVE about this odd subspecies, but nothing really wrong with it, either. The facial coloring is a nice touch. This is the only bear that lives in South America, so it’s all our Latin friends have. National Geographic calls it “diminutive,” but at up to 340 pounds, it could play lineman in the NFL. Alas, they’re banished to soccer country.
5. Sloth Bear
This…this is…something. Raise your hand if you knew this existed before a few seconds ago.
Is it a sloth or bear? Maybe just a big shaggy dog? I’m oddly intrigued.
4. Asiatic Black Bear
Yes, this one is similar to its American counterpart, but like that one annoying guy in your group of friends, I must say the foreign version is better. Its fur is longer, softer, and shaggier. Win, win, win. Adults range from 110-250 lbs, perfect size to snuggle up to on a cold winter night if you could do that kind of thing with bears. Plus, they have that cool chest blaze thing. They’re often called “moon bears.” All in all, a solid showing, good for fourth best bear in the world.
3. Polar Bear
Let’s get this out of the way: polar bears are marauding killing machines. They’re the largest meat eater on land, tearing their way through seals, walruses, and whales on the reg. Adult males can weight up to 1,500 pounds. They can smell blood from 50 miles away and will kill and presumably eat humans if given the chance.
…all of which makes them totally badass. I mean, they live in the arctic. They wear natural cammo. They can swim over 400 MILES AT A TIME. Overall, great bear. Hope I never see one.
2. Giant Panda
GIANT PANDA! The name effortlessly sums up this magnificent creature – so regal, majestic, and worthy of praise. A bear so unique it was almost thrown in with the raccoon family. They mostly stay hidden in the bamboo forests of southern China, leading researches to dub them “elusive” and “mysterious.” Housing 26-84 pounds of bamboo a day, the panda is the lovable fat friend of the bear community.
1. Brown Bear.
I give you, ladies and gents, the brown bear. Ruler of all bears. King of bear mountain. The Bear King. The brown bear wins the top spot on our list with its combination of excellence and reach; it is the most widespread bear in the world.
They’re generally divide into 2 subspecies: grizzlies (the smaller yet still formidable inland version) and kodiaks (the gigantic, coastal Alaskan version that rivals the polar bear in size). They’re omnivores, so I see some of myself in the brown bear. Their diet includes grasses, berries, sedges, fungi, mosses, roots, nuts, fruits, honey, insects, birds, and fish (trout, bass, and salmon, of course), rodents, mountain sheep, caribou, elk, and moose. Talk about a balanced diet! They also eat other bears from time to time, but we won’t get in to that. Nobody likes a cannibal.
The brown bear is just quite simply the quintessential bear. Large and dominant, and without the frills and gimmicks of some other members of this list. Confident in its plush brown coat. Considerably better than the black bear because it would obviously win in a fight. And smarter than the polar bear for realizing life is better south of the Arctic Circle.
The brown bear: the best bear.
On Branding
Some moons ago I was sent to Indianapolis by my employer to attend the NCAA Emerging Leaders Seminar. This event is described as “an annual professional development event providing effective leadership, educational and transitional programming for more than 200 current graduate assistants and interns from NCAA membership institutions, conference offices and affiliate organizations.” For me, it was a free trip to a new city with an expense account.
Thankfully the employer (and our sister office across the highway) saw it fit to send Friends of the Lodge Thomas and Emil (names changed (sort of)), who were my only two friends in Texas at the time. This was important, because my idea of a work trip was (and somewhat still is) to carouse, carry on, and generally sample the delights of a new city, while keeping the “work” aspect to a bare minimum. These things are more fun with friends. AND, there wasn’t any actual work to do. We just had to sit through some seminars and listen to speakers for a few days. Score.
70% of the trip was spent patronizing piano bars and sleeping off hangovers, and the other 30 involved the actual activities of the NCAA Emerging Leaders Seminar. This was a satisfactory ratio. And while I learned far more from conversing over whiskey at Howl at the Moon Dueling Piano Bar than I ever would from a lecture in an auditorium, there were some redeeming elements to the actual event.
The first evening, we were treated to two different speakers who were starkly contrasted in both style and content. The first was a guy – no idea on his name – who was billed as a “branding expert.” His talk was titled, “Building Your Own Personal Brand,” and basically revolved around the idea that your personal image should be a carefully calculated fabrication of what you think people want to see. The brand is what matters, he said. In your personal and professional life, you must create your own brand. He spoke loudly and enunciated well. There were graphs and charts.
The second speaker was a reserved, roundish gentleman. He had no script or podium, and rambled through a partial recollection of his career before taking questions for most of his time allotment. His answers were thoughtful and sincere, and he had two basic messages for the Emerging Leaders of NCAA nation: do what you love, and work harder than everyone else.
It wasn’t until Thomas brought it up later that I realized these two speakers were polar opposites. On one end: The Brand. Mold yourself, market yourself, make yourself what they want. Position yourself as an attractive candidate. Wear a tie. Whatever.
On the other end: work hard. Keep your head down, and don’t worry about the other shit. Be yourself and follow whatever it is that makes you get up in the morning.
I have no idea who the first guy was, other than an empty suit with a binder full of corporate speak. But I do remember the second guy. It was Greg Shaheen, who at the time was a senior VP of the NCAA, and is basically the architect of the modern day NCAA tournament (i.e. the best event in sports, period). I think he’s on ESPN now from time to time. Google him if you want. The guy gets it done.
The point? Shaheen was right. You get where you want by working harder than the next guy, not by “branding” yourself better. And that’s why I despise the idea of branding – yourself, a product, anything. Because what is branding, even? To me, it’s basically creating a false image of something in order to get money for that thing (e.g. sell a product, get a job, whatever). It’s pretending things are something other than what they actually are. Because if they WERE really the thing you’re pretending they are, you wouldn’t have to “brand” them that way. They would just be that thing.
Let’s take people, for example. Let’s talk about branding yourself. Who would you rather interact with? A real person, with quirks and flaws and a personality? Or a cardboard cutout who can “understand where you’re coming from,” and thinks “both sides definitely make some good points?” Who would you rather hire? Someone with opinions, or someone who says what they think they’re supposed to say? An individual or a brand?
Me, I’ll take the human being. Every damn time. So what if you have a misstep once in a while, or go too far, or fart in public? That’s what people do. You’re a person. Be a person. Don’t be a brand.
Cover Reveal Time
I’m drinking coffee out of my Bob Ross mug as I type this, so you know it’s an occasion. The reason I gathered you here is to show you the cover of my forthcoming book, The Call of the Mountain, which you probably saw before you even read any of this text. So my work here is done. Thanks for looking.
I don’t have an OFFICIAL release date yet, but as the guy who investigated the Tom Brady deflated footballs scandal would say, it will definitely, probably, more likely than not be sometime in late June, I think. People keep asking me what it’s about, and I’m terrible at summing these things up in little blurbs, BUT it’s getting around the time where I actually have to do that. So: a guy moves to a small mountain town to escape his life, when shit starts to get weird. There are seductive women and weirdo mountain folk involved. Things are not what they seem. Or are they? Let’s read on.
Yeah, I’ll work on it before the release. And I’ll also bug you again when that happens. Thanks for reading/looking.
Photoramble: Rainy Days
It was a rainy, gray day in Boulder yesterday. I had some free time and was hoping to do a hike, but I canned the plan when I saw the weather. Who wants to hike on a crap day?
At some point in the afternoon, I got restless, said screw it, grabbed my camera and a raincoat and went out. When I got to where I would hike, I was greeted by empty trails (a rarity, especially on weekends), peace, silence, and a landscape that looked different but just as beautiful as it does on sunny days. I dicked around for an hour, hiking up ridges and stopping for photos, enjoying the quiet serenity of a rainy day.
I got wet, but I didn’t melt, and I went home feeling recharged. Even shitty days can be nice days if you give them a chance.
Bob Ross Friday: The Mug
“If you don’t like it – change it. It’s your world.”
– Bob
(Quote via the excellent Zen of Bob Ross Tumblr.)
Saying No
You know how we all feel obligated to explain ourselves every time we say no to something?
“I’d LOVE to come to your swanky thing where I’m required to make small talk with people I’ve never met this Friday, but I’m afraid I can’t. I have a, uh…racquetball-related conflict. You know how it is. Next time!”
It’s like somewhere along the line, someone made it mandatory to follow each no with an excuse. I blame politeness. The only reason I’m saying no is because I literally cannot say yes. If I could say yes, I would, because I like you and want you to like me.
Turns out this actually isn’t a requirement. It is in fact okay to decline a request or invitation just because…you don’t want to. You don’t need to pretend you’re doing a different activity that will take the place of the activity that’s being suggested to you. There doesn’t need to be an activity. It’s okay to have free time.
Actually, free time is good. It’s healthy and will clear your mind for those times when you do have activities. If you ask me, your free time should be protected.
Give it a try. Instead of saying “no, because…,” just say “no.” People will probably look at you like you’re slightly crazy, but if you’re like me, they were already doing that anyway. You don’t need to explain why you won’t do something. You’re in charge of your time.
Writing Tip: Don’t F*#king Do This
…I’m compiling an ongoing list of simple tips to improve your writing, and make writing easier. None of these are original ideas – because I don’t have many of those – but aggregated knowledge I’ve found useful. They aim to help with both that unfinished sci fi epic on your desktop (i.e. fiction) and your resignation letter due to repeated HR violations (nonfiction).
The Tip: Replacing Letters in Bad Words With Funny Symbols. Don’t Do It.
Edit: The Onion, as usual, says it better than I ever could.
Here’s the sitch: you’re enraged, excited, or otherwise worked into a lather. You want your reader to feel the passion in your writing. Oh yes, my friends, it’s time for a bad word. Put the children to bed, because all caps in this Facebook post just isn’t going to cut it. It’s time to bring out one of the naughties to let everyone know how you really feel.
But wait! Your mom is online. And your boss. And that one aunt (by marriage) who comments on everything for some reason. Any of these people could see what you wrote, which means they’ll know you know – gasp – profanity! No, no, no, this simply will not do.
The compromise: “Lightbulb! I’ll simply replace one or two letters in the bad word! That way, I’m not really writing the bad word. ‘Fuck’ becomes ‘F*ck.’ People still know what it is, but I’m absolved of all wrongdoing! I CAN HAVE IT ALL!”
The reason to not do this: Who, exactly, are you protecting? Anyone who reads the word you so cleverly modified instantly thinks of the original word. Now the bad word is in the reader’s head. As Louis C.K. would say, “that’s what saying a word is.” If you want to use the word, just use the damn word. The result is the same, and you look less like a coward.
My personal favorite: “I don’t even give a sh*t!” Well, actually, you do. Trying to disguise the word “shit” because of how you fear you’ll be perceived is the definition of giving a shit, I believe.
Gang, let’s stop hiding behind strategically-placed symbols. Spread your wings, embrace adulthood, leave the “$” symbols at home, and proudly type the word “ass.”
The End
“The end.” That feels good to write. I’ve never actually written it at the end of anything before, because it’s unnecessary and redundant. But I wanted to try it this time, the way we all like trying quaint, old-timey things every now and then, and damn if there isn’t a certain satisfaction in those two words. Anyway, I finished another novel. It’s called “The Call of the Mountain” and is the first book in what will probably be the Otter Creek Series. That’s right – SYNERGY, a-holes.
As usual, I have no idea if it’s any good or a total Bridgestone Tire Fire®. Probably number 2 at this point. So I’m gonna go spend some time making it not suck. Just wanted to let you know.