“Self love is a good thing. But self awareness is more important.”
One thing I love about stand-up comedy is it packages social truths within jokes, making us willing to digest concepts at which we might otherwise turn up our noses. Nobody does this better than Louis CK. I feel like I’m constantly quoting this guy here and on twitter, but I came across this bit recently that I think makes good sense of the way we talk about ourselves.
For some reason, it’s become acceptable, even encouraged, to publicly make proclamations like “I’m awesome,” or “I’m AMAZING.” Putting aside the fact we’re almost constantly gutting the words “awesome” and “amazing” of any real meaning, these statements are not ones anyone should make, ever. Because whether we’re “awesome” or not is not up to us…it’s up to everyone else. You saying it does nothing, other than assure the rest of us you’re almost certainly not awesome.
It’s not up to you. We should strive to BE awesome and amazing, and not an asshole. We shouldn’t tell other people we are. Think of anyone in the world you respect greatly – has that person ever told you they’re “amazing?” Probably not. Because the only people who say it are the ones who know they need to.
To be clear, this award is meant to recognize a marvelous and distinguished career, not to celebrate the fact that someone’s going away. If it was, it would go to Floyd Mayweather. But Dave! Dave, Dave, Dave. I haven’t watched Letterman in years, but I will still miss him. In my opinion, one admittedly governed by the fact that I never saw Johnny Carson or any of the old timers work, thus essentially pitting Dave against only Leno and Conan for the title of King of Late Night…David Letterman was the King of Late Night. The best ever. As a kid I would force myself to stay up until 10:30 to watch Dave, eager to see utterly pointless and completely hilarious bits like “Bear in the Pool” or “Will it Float?” or the critically underrated series where he sent Rupert, the guy who ran the deli around the corner, out in Manhattan to torment innocent people. Letterman did stuff he thought was funny, and he didn’t give a damn if you liked it or not, and this was what made him the funniest late night host in the world.
Otter of the Year
Pup 681
I want this job.
Song of the Year
Hotline Bling – Drake
This music video has 226 million views. Please do not watch it. It’s not that the song is bad—hey, it’s our song of the year, after all—it’s just that it’s quite confusing. I’ve been watching Drake from afar for a while now, and have struggled mightily to understand his allure. The man is one of the biggest stars in music today, and yet his work is laden with question marks and paradoxes. The whole thing is a boondoggle!
What do I mean? Let me give you an example: in our song of the year, Hotline Bling—and again, please don’t listen to it, because it’s fucking terrible—it’s hard to tell if he’s rapping or singing. He sort of sits in this purgatory in between the two, doing neither well. Also, this sack of shit worldwide music sensation employs near constant voice modulation, i.e. autotune, but even with the help of the computers, his voice never approaches a tone that is pleasing to the human ear. What artistic choice! While I admit I lack the sophistication to appreciate any of Mr. Drake’s work, I also understand my limits as a critic, namely the ability to understand why anyone would willingly listen to this song. Our song of the year: Hotline Bling.
Album of the Year
3 – HoneyHoney
In contrast with our song of the year recipient, HoneyHoney’s 3—the best work to date from my favorite folk/Americana duo—favors more traditional musical elements like melody, harmony, and tune. First time I can remember that I haven’t been disappointed by a beloved artist’s new release. Buy it.
Film of the Year
Roar (1981)
Released decades ago, yes, but RE-released in theaters no one has ever heard of select theaters in 2015. This movie has zero script or plot; it’s just 90 minutes of lions destroying a house and trying to kill a family. It’s simultaneously terrible and excellent. The theater run is over and it’s impossible to find on DVD, but message me if you’re interested. I have a digital copy.
Author of the Year
Gillian Flynn
Enormously famous for the smash hit Gone Girl, Flynn is so hot right now. I’ve actually read all of her books except Gone Girl—I am so damn counterculture—but can reasonably assume that book is excellent, too, because all of her work is. The woman brings it. If you like raw, turbulent stories with a big dose of weird, pick up Dark Places and be terrified.
Internet Phrase of the Year
ALL THE FEELS
In the land of run-on sentences and total chaos over the usage of “you’re,” we’ve—against all odds—managed to dumb ourselves down even further. Yes indeed, the ‘ol internet is at it again, and the online deconstruction of the English language must be nearing completion. This year, we at the Lodge are recognizing the phrase “all the feels.” Generally written in all caps, this term is presumably used to describe something—a video, a song, a piece of writing, perhaps—that made the person in question experience an emotion. Or, if we’re to take it literally, every emotion. Joy, anger, sadness, hope, empathy, et al, all at the same time. Looking past the fact that this is impossible, it’s curious how fixated we are nationally on using language that makes us sound like developing toddlers. Even if we were to say something made us feel “all the feelings,” that would still be obnoxious, but at least grammatically correct. “All the feels” is intentionally wrong, and we use it not despite but because of that fact, as if speaking like a drooling child who struggles with the basics of language is some form of comedy, I guess? God send a plague.
Man of the Year
Bob Ross
This is Bob’s second consecutive Man of the Year award. He is love, embodied in the human form. We need more Bob, less…hell, less everything else. As we bask in the joyous observation of Christmas and Chanukah, let his words flow through you, my friends. Be the person Bob would want you to be. Alleluia. Allelu.
As I methodically put together the second annual Otter Lodge Year in Review, I want to take a moment to direct the American public to this cool site The Call of the Mountain is on now. If you’re unfamiliar with NoiseTrade, it’s a place where folks can download books, audiobooks, and music for free, and then theoretically be guilted into leaving a tip. I love this concept, because you can basically try the product out risk-free, and then pay the creator at the end if it was worth your while, or don’t if it sucked..
Take advantage. Download the book and pay me whatever you want. $5. $1. Hell, $0 – really stick it to me. The world if yours. If nothing else, go check out the other books on NoiseTrade. There’s a shitload of cool stuff on there, and reading’s good for you.
It happens all the time. Someone posts a thing they made online – product, information, service, or otherwise – and says something to the effect of “click here to buy this and SUPPORT MY WORK!”
Am I the only one who cringes at this?
Here’s the deal: I’m in no way above online panhandling. I write books and run a business, and thus it’s often necessary to hawk my shit publicly. “Here, I made this thing. Click here to buy it.” This is very different, however, from, “Here, I made this thing. Click here to buy it to support my work.”
If you’re a person that makes things and sells them, no matter what those things are, people “supporting your work,” should not be the goal. It’s basically a form of charity; “oh, this person I know of made this thing, good for them. They must’ve worked hard. I’ll buy it and support them.” It’s a nice thing to do – and undoubtedly people have bought my shit for these reasons before (thanks mom!) – but it’s not the goal.
The goal is to create things that add value to people’s lives.
Something they need, something they want. Something they buy because something’s in it for them. Demand, it’s a simple concept. That’s what we’re trying to do. Not make things that people only buy because they’re “supporting” you, but make things that people buy because they want to buy them.
And of course, we all know this. That’s what we’re all trying to do. But when you ask someone to support your work, you’re basically telling them that it’s not good enough to stand on its own merits. This is a timid and spineless way to live. Not “buy this to support me,” but, “buy this because it kicks mondo ass and you don’t want to live without it.” That’s the point. If you made a good thing, stand tall and be confident it is a good thing. Don’t be a dick, but be proud of it.
-S
(I used to see people sign off corporate emails like this all the time. I never got it. “S?” It takes a fraction of a second to write the full name. “Sam.” There. That wasn’t hard. Even long names – “Barnabas” – take maybe a second more than just “B.” You can’t be that busy. If you are, I want the whole email in one-letter abbreviations. It would be fun to decipher. Anyway, that’s all. -S)
Greetings! I haven’t had much to put here lately. Other than occasional book updates and minor announcements, it’s pretty much been crickets. I don’t know – maybe I’ve stopped getting worked up about things as much as I used to. Or maybe I just slap the rants and grievances on twitter now, rather than blogging them. Or maybe I just yell them at Kristen. I don’t know.
I’ll probably start blogging a little more. I have some ideas written down that I just need to sit down and work myself into a lather about. But most of my writing time these days is devoted to fiction writing, a thing that’s sort of taken front row for me. In that spirit, here are a few random updates on what’s going on.
It’s doing very well. Thanks to all you strapping ladies and gentlemen that bought a copy and helped spread the word. No NYT list yet, but sales are good and I feel like it’s most definitely my best work to date. I’m as happy with it as I can be, considering writing books is basically an enormous voluntary nightmare in which nothing will ever be perfect. It’s a good nightmare (if that’s a thing), an exciting nightmare, but nonetheless…nightmare.
If you haven’t read it, I challenge you to give it ten pages. You can even read the beginning for free via Amazon’s look inside function, you miserable cheap.
On Book Publishing, In General
I’m pumping the brakes a little. Not on writing – doing more of that than ever – but on publishing, at least in the short term. There is a conventional wisdom in the indie (that’s cool/hip internet slang for someone who self publishes) community that the path to success involves writing long series’ (like, 6 to 10 books) and releasing books often (like, 4 books a year…at least). And there’s nothing wrong with do it this way AT ALL – I know a number of talented and prolific authors who follow this formula and build good, loyal followings and make good money writing books. Many of them have taught me a great deal about the industry, and for that I’m indebted. AND conventional wisdom is conventional wisdom for a reason; it does work. If you want to make a living being an indie writer, this is pretty much the way to do it.
So, until very recently, this was my intent. Not because I WANT to write long series’ and pump books out super quickly – I don’t, at all, and never have, and probably never will – but because I wanted to do the author thing full time. But here’s the thing: I’m 28. I have plenty of time to build a career. And there are a lot of ways to make money. Right now, and for the foreseeable future, I’m just going to focus on writing (and rewriting) the best damn book I possibly can, and if it takes a little longer, that’s fine. I’d rather write 1 book that has a real impact on someone than 10 books that don’t.
On the Next Book
Oh hell yeah there is one. The Bracket, a big, ambitious story about a group of coaches who team up to sabotage the NCAA basketball tournament in order to take an obscene amount of prize money. I’m not kidding – this is actually something I’m writing. The idea was borne out of a night of drinking in Boulder, and originally came from the lips of friend of the Lodge Chris Sheckman (unrelated, but check out his strength and conditioning blog, which he forgot to tell me about but I found anyway).
I’m about 1/3 of the way through the first draft. It’s extremely hard to write but I’m hoping that’s good. I have no idea when it will be released other than sometime before I die hopefully.
(John McCain voice) My friends, (end McCain impression) a small book update/announcement: my 3-month exclusivity period with Amazon has ended, and thus The Call of the Mountainis available pretty much everywhere on the internet. It’s also still cheap. You can get it at all the places below:
You lying bastards. Admit it: you don’t know what a good wine is. You have no damn idea. You know what you like, and in the end that’s the only thing that really matters, but we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about good.
We’re talking about “points” (OMG 90+!!!). We’re talking about “the sommelier’s pick.” We’re talking about hundred dollar bottles. We’re talking about all the pretentious stuff.
We’re talking about the idea that a more expensive wine is supposed to mean a “better” wine, and the fact that we all nod along like we actually agree with this. Let’s be honest; we don’t. We all have our favorite grapes and brands, but above a certain price point – let’s say, $20 – none of us can tell a damn difference. Sure, we can tell a decent cabernet from a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, but most of us wouldn’t know we were drinking a $60 dollar bottle unless the price tag told us so. We want to. We pretend to – because it makes us feel smart and cultured. But save for the snobbiest connoisseurs, none of us can.
I’m looking at you, too, waiter, when my lady asks you for a wine recommendation and you suggest a $14 glass. The hell do you think this is, the Virgin America company Christmas party? The hell do you think I am, Richard Branson’s son? There’s no way I’m not putting the squash on that. You already price this shit crazily enough that if I order the $8 glass, I’m the cheap guy. How about you suggest something that isn’t gonna run me a $200 dinner? I know you want us to buy the most expensive one. I get how it works. We’re good on that arrangement. Cut the crap and just tell me which one tastes good.
Gang, let’s stop being beholden to the wine industry’s games. Buy that $12 bottle you like, and stop trying to impress your friends with that high-dollar French garbage. You’re only going to get 4 glasses out of the damn bottle anyway.
We all want the most out of life. And I’m here to tell you my friends, I’ve cracked the code. Below, in no particular order, are my “keys to the game,” if you will. My “secret playbook” on reaching peak enjoyment. My “cheat sheet” for solving this puzzle we all call life. Yes indeed, read on if you’re interested in the path to total enlightenment and self actualization:
1. If there is a hammock or robe available, you use it.
It is impossible to be unhappy in either a hammock or robe. If you see one of these things and do not climb in, at least for a few minutes, you are leaving money on the table.
2. Avoid writing “open letters.”
My friends, that dastardly ol’ internet is at it again, for this is the place we’ve begun seeing these “open letters” pop up lately. You know the things; those op-ed style thinkpieces entitled something like “An Open Letter to My Beautiful, Lovely, and Intelligent Wife on Our Anniversary” or maybe “An Open Letter to That Racist/Sexist Butthole Who Said That Thing on TV.” These are almost always public pandering disguised as heartfelt sentiment – simple ploys to show the world just how compassionate you are. Doing this makes you a vain, attention-starved jackass. Feel free to send the letter – any (closed) letter – to the recipient directly. It’s okay to express a sentiment without sharing it with all of humanity.
3. Occasional long bike rides. They cleanse the soul.
4. Keep the meat and the sweet separate.
Recently I was served bacon with some sort of brown sugar glaze, which made me both confused and upset. Here we combine two delightful foods (aside: hey guys isn’t bacon great!!?!?! Haha LOL let’s tell this joke a hundred million more times), yet we aren’t able to completely enjoy either. At least I wasn’t – when tasting the bacon, I always wondered where the brown sugar was. When the brown sugar flavor came through, I wondered what the bacon thought about it. A predicament indeed. My remedy: first meat, then sweet. Let the sweet and savory stand on their own.
6. Everything in moderation. Even moderation. (This may be Jim Moen’s.)
Wise words from my pal Jim. Try things, but don’t overdo it, except sometimes.
7. Occasional Total Silence
Trust me, I love music as much as you do. I have it on at home and in the car 90% of the time. But there is a simple beauty that comes with turning off the stereo – and TV – and just being in silence for a little while. Especially in the mornings. Which leads me to…
8. Drink Coffee
“It stains your teeth.” Yeah, it also transforms the Lord’s most unholy hour – the morning hour – into a magical time of charm and possibility. Coffee has allowed me to harness powers I previously did not recognize, and experience more of life. I cannot believe I know adults who still do not drink coffee. Get with the program people. It’s a performance enhancing substance with no real negative side effects. It’s a cheat code for life.
So there you have it. And in the unlikely event that I didn’t FULLY solve the world’s problems, feel free to shoot your own bullet points my way.
Yes indeed, the paperback version of The Call of the Mountain is now available. Come get it here.
Author’s (my) note: This is my fourth book (second novel), and I put more time and effort into this print version than I did into each of its predecessors. The result is – if I may – a damn fine looking AND feeling book, and an all-around exquisite reading experience. I want you to hold it, to feel its power. Give in to my urges. Give in.
And so far, the reviews of the content of said novel are not half bad either. Just today I was told “I can’t remember the last time I had that ‘just one more chapter’ feeling like I do with this book.” Sure, that may have been my older brother who said it, but still.
Gang, it’s here. The Call of the Mountain is available as an ebook as of a few hours ago. If you preordered, it already magically appeared on your device. If not, get it here.
In case you missed it, there’s a trailer:
The team and I bent over backwards putting together the best damn book we could. I hope you enjoy it.
(John McCain voice) My friends, (end McCain impression) a small book update/announcement: my 3-month exclusivity period with Amazon has ended, and thus 
You lying bastards. Admit it: you don’t know what a good wine is. You have no damn idea. You know what you like, and in the end that’s the only thing that really matters, but we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about good.
We all want the most out of life. And I’m here to tell you my friends, I’ve cracked the code. Below, in no particular order, are my “keys to the game,” if you will. My “secret playbook” on reaching peak enjoyment. My “cheat sheet” for solving this puzzle we all call life. Yes indeed, read on if you’re interested in the path to total enlightenment and self actualization:
Yes indeed, the paperback version of The Call of the Mountain is now available.