In my new book, a wrote a lengthy diatribe essentially breaking down why I’m mad at John Mayer. It’s a tough relationship we have. I’ll spare you a recounting of the entire thesis, but one of the central points is that he’s a truly phenomenal guitarist that too often doesn’t let that side of his music shine.
Usually people don’t believe me when I tell them he’s the best guitar player in current popular music. I didn’t believe it either, but then my friends Karl and Lee introduced me to his Try! live album and I started to see the light. The man may be a gigantic tool, but he can rip a solo with the best of them.
If you’re interested in an example, I recommend the following video. You have to get past the somewhat poor video quality and the baggy pants, plus it’s a 9:49 commitment, but if you appreciate blues guitar in any way, I promise it’s worth your time. Just don’t bail after the first two minutes. Trust me, it gets better.
It’s from 2008, but I still think about it once in a while. To me, it represents everything that’s right with America. And I just enjoy so many things about it – the song, the message, the meat. It seems like commercials always try so hard, but this one is so simple, and it works. That makes me happy.
Meanwhile, Geico is still pouring millions into the gecko thing. We get it; the words sound similar.
Anyway, that’s all. Go grill something this weekend.
Hey guys! GUYS! I wanted to let you know that my second book, Quitting Cold Stone (And Other Struggles) is out as an eBook today. It’s $2.99, just like the first one, so once again for less than the price of a Starbucks vanity beverage you can be laughing till the proverbial cows come home.
This one’s a really light read. It’s basically a collection of some of (what I thought were) my best blog posts from the past, revised and updated and packaged with a whole bunch of new content in the same format. For example, some chapters are:
– The Road to Branson
– The Wonders of Bob Ross
– Defending Nickelback
– Confessions of a Wi-Fi Thief
– To the Guy Who Leaves His Grocery Cart in the Middle of the Parking Lot
Anyway, I think you’ll enjoy it. It’s currently just available in Kindle format, but I’ll be working on paperback and other formats and will of course annoy you with another blog post when those happen.
I leave you with this picture and quote from Sisqo. Not because he has anything to do with the book, but because sometimes we need a reminder of what we’ve been through as a nation.
Hey gang. So I had an idea while listening to a particularly offensive 80’s ballad last night: what if we could democratically determine the worst song in history? Now, the obvious answer to that question is “We can’t, you idiot. Individual musical tastes are far too varied to ever garner a consensus, plus there are way too many terrible songs to list.” Most rational people would stop there, but I’ve never been a big fan of rational thought, and thus comes my grandiose proposal:
A Worst Song in History Bracket.
Yes, a March Madness-style tournament bracket to determine the worst song ever recorded. We would use fan voting to decide who advances each round (i.e. which of the two songs in the matchup is worse), and eventually crown a champion as the biggest hunk of shit to ever grace our fair airwaves. My friends Tommy, Emily, and I did this a few years back to figure out who was the “Suavest Black Man in the World,” and response was terrific, eventually ending on Will Smith as the recipient.
So with that, I’d like your suggestions for the bracket. Which songs really suck more than all the other sucky songs? A few small caveats:
Early leaders for 1-seeds off the top of my head are Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” and Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”
It has to have some historical significance, be well-known, and played a good deal. The song has to matter. A lot of unknown bands make a lot of bad music, but we aren’t concerned with them.
Going off the previous point, I’m trying to stay away from anything that was made in the last 5-10 years. Let’s let it breathe for a bit to see if any of these newfangled songs stand the test of time, or if they (God willing) blow away like dust in the wind. (Hey! Add that one to the early favorites). So while I generally hate everything by LMFAO, Ke$$$HA!@#, and the Beebs, I’m holding out hope that one day nobody will remember who they are.
Songs that will NOT be considered because they are actually excellent despite most people being idiots and thinking otherwise: “Your Love” by The Outfield, “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood, and anything by Kid Rock.
That should be a good start. So, what song would you like to see included? Either comment on this blog or the Facebook post, or hit me on the Twitter, and I’ll start putting together a list. With enough participation, we can put one special track in its rightful place as the worst song in the world! Yes we can! Yes we can!
I don’t know exactly when this started, but it seems to be a somewhat recent phenomenon. Winter storms – i.e. temporary fits of snow and wind – are now being categorized the same way as hurricanes. The weather people give them ridiculous monikers like “Ivan” and “Gertrude” and try to convince us we need to stock up on toilet paper and bottled water to prepare for their impending doom.
I realize it’s not technically “winter” anymore, but this harlot named Mother Nature seemingly does not. As I write this, we’re currently celebrating Winter Storm Yogi (actual name) in Colorado, which proves that yes, no matter how farfetched the storm names are, there’s always room for improvement. The snow is piling up – probably a foot or so by now – and isn’t supposed to stop for three days. Of course, the temperature was supposed to stay warm enough that the snow wouldn’t stick to the ground during Winter Storm Yogi, but here it is – sticking. This is a stark contrast to last week’s winter storm (presumably named Xena) in which the snow was supposed to pile up high, but ended up not sticking. The locals like to bring this comparison up in conversation to point out the hypocrisy of the forecasts, to which we all have a good laugh and shake our heads at the absurdity of it all.
People love talking about snow. It could be a product of our deeply-ingrained human need to complain, or an easy conversation go-to that works well to avoid the dreaded awkward silence, but whatever the reason, we seem to revere it more than we do Hall & Oates (which is SAYING something). When weather hits – rain, sleet, wind, even a sunny day – it sparks up discussion in coffee shops and Twitter feeds nationwide. But snow, it seems, is the king of weather-related musings. Snow gets us going.
The conversation comes in many formats. Consider:
– Old guys. Really, anyone over the age of 50 who is sitting or standing somewhere with at least one other person of the same age group. These folks generally respond to snow by asking each other small questions to which they already know the answer.
Guy #1: (gazing out a window) “Sure is coming down out there.”
Guy #2: “Sure is.”
Guy #1: “Any idea when it’s supposed to stop?”
Guy #2: “Channel 9 said ‘round 7 tonight.”
Guy #1: “That’s what Channel 4 said too.”
Guy #2: “Sure does make driving tough, but we need it.”
Guy #1: “We need the moisture.”
Guy #2: “Exactly. We need the moisture. The moisture will help.”
Guy #1: “Yep. We need it.”
Listening to two old guys talk about precipitation, you’d think we had a permanent global moisture shortage. I’m never sure what the actual need is referencing, but no matter the location or current climate, the adult males of America are always convinced rain or snow are 100% vital for something.
– Kids. A far cry from the previous category, kids have no use for concepts like “need” or “moisture,” they just want to f’ing play. Snow is usually a welcomed sight for children, because it can lead to school closures and/or conditions ripe for building snowmen and snow forts. And sledding. And snowball fights. And pretty much everything else that is awesome. Just open up the front door and watch the little rascals run through it with unbridled joy, celebrating the fluffy gift from the heavens by jumping in it and making a snow angel. Kids keep it real. We could learn something from them.
– Complainers. These people delight in the opportunity to bitch about anything, so a snowy day is their time to shine. The key is overblowing a mildly irritating situation to make it seem as though it ruined their lives. “I got stuck TWICE on the way to work today. It took me almost TWO HOURS” they’ll say after a light dusting of a half an inch, ignoring the fact that a matchbox car could probably get through that much snow just fine. It also seems to be lost on these people that they live in a place where, you know, it snows, and they should probably be prepared for and used to it.
– The east coast. When the east coast has inclement weather, we all endure it with them. National news networks run foreboding reports leading up to the winter storm, warning residents of the eastern seaboard (and probably the rest of the country, for solidarity) to stock up and hunker down. Power outages expected. Civilization could crumble. Mass chaos!
Of course it’s never that bad, and those weather intimidation tactics are the same ones used by news professionals across the country, it just seems to be louder when New York, Boston, and D.C. are involved. Probably because a lot of the paramount newsmakers reside on the east coast. It’s amusing, though, to see the way they scramble in anticipation of a foot or two of snow, when that type of snowfall is what the people of my native Minnesota just call “Tuesday.”
– Social Media Folks. I don’t know what’s worse – announcing the status of the weather to the people who live in the same area as you, and thus already know what’s going on, or announcing it to the people that don’t live where you do, and thus don’t give a shit about your weather. But when you post it to social media, you’re doing both simultaneously.
– Skiiers/Snowboarders. These are the children of the adult world. They love when it snows, and actually prefer it just never stop. Driving in a blizzard? Aint shit to them. They just strap their skis and boards to the top of their 1989 Subaru’s and head out to find the sick pow. It’s gonna be epic, bro.
This is what happens when it snows. As I look out my window, the snow is still coming down and is poised to make the next few days awfully inconvenient, but I’m trying not to get too upset about it. After all, we need the moisture.
1. I’m releasing a new book soon. It’s called Quitting Cold Stone (And Other Struggles) and is a compilation of essays and commentaries I’ve written over the years. For example, it includes chapters such as:
– The Wonders of Bob Ross
– Why I Am Condescending to the Automated Call System Lady
– What is the DEAL With Airline Travel?
– A Letter to the Guy Who Leaves His Grocery Cart in the Middle of the Parking Lot
Real hard-hitting stuff. It’s currently in editing and should be released in a month or two. And while it does contain some old material from the blog, it also has a boatload of new stuff and will still be cheap as hell. I’ll keep you posted.
2. After watching three or four episodes, I can confirm that Duck Dynasty is not the worst television program I have ever seen. It’s actually not even in the bottom 10. I’d say it ranks at least in the 30th percentile overall.
3. I’ve been on Twitter for a while now, and I enjoy it. I originally thought it was for stupid rubes, but have found that either I was wrong or I am one of these rubes. The best part, in my opinion, is the sheer amount of good comedy found on Twitter; before joining, I vastly underestimated the platform’s capability to be funny. People like Dave Hill, Damien Fahey, and Sammy Rhodes keep me laughing on a daily basis.
4. I’m writing a third book, too. I will not relent. This one’s fiction, and should hopefully be pretty good. We’ll see.
5. Baseball is being played again. I always find it odd how hot and bothered people get for the “return of baseball (!!!)” because it’s only ever gone for like two weeks. Then the next thing you know, pitchers and catchers are reporting and Yankees/Red Sox is on TV every third night. I’m not mad or anything though. America.
6. This is the first post here in nearly two months. That is too long. Now that my schedule is freeing up a little, I’ll try to post more funny stuff on here in the future. No firm commitments, though; I’m not good with committing to things, which you’ll learn in a chapter of Book #2. Hey, cross-promotion!
College football, George Mikan, Mormons, and Nickelback! It’s podcast number two!
This time, the gentlemen take a slightly different approach, focusing on Jim’s pilgrimage to Ames, Iowa, for his first college football game. But as you’d expect, the conversation takes some zany twists and turns, until Sam is being accused of gross musical malpractice. Oh, the hijinks!
Are you in the mood to kill 27 minutes? If you’re at work, chances are the answer is “yes.” Well have I got the deal for you.
Not long ago, Jim (I feel like we’re on a first name basis with Jim at this point) traveled out to Colorado with the goal of recording some podcasts. I can’t exactly remember the reasoning, but I know it was originally his idea and we both agreed it was a good plan. Over the course of three days, we roamed the mountains, drank beer, and talked into microphones.
The audio recording that follows is episode one of a bit we call “Consumers.” In it, we discuss topics such as Dikembe Mutombo, the concept of “free range,” and Ellen Degeneres’ dance moves. As you may be able to tell, it was our first ever attempt.
– I did not vote for Barack Obama, but I will stand behind him and support him as my president. I will champion compromise in congress and wherever else it can make meaningful progress. I will not pretend the president is evil (for he is not), and I will not intentionally roadblock his policies just because he has a certain letter by his name. Grow the fuck up.
– The state of political discourse in America is basically two grown men hurling insults at each other from across the country. Think about that.
– Please stop pretending like everyone that doesn’t agree with you is an idiot. They’re just forming opinions based on what they’ve seen in their lives.
– At some point, accountability needs to become important for our elected officials. We’re sick of being lied to, but it continues to happen because we willingly accept it without repercussions, time and time again. Take a look at the promises the candidates made before election, compare to what actually happened, and vote accordingly. It’s rarely just one person’s fault, but if they’re going to promise it, they’d better damn well be able to deliver.
– For the love of god, stop acting like there are only two candidates. I’ve already gone on about this here.
– It’s a tremendous blessing that we have so many people in this country that actually give a shit. If you did your research and then casted an informed ballot, you should be proud of yourself.
– We need to be done jumping aboard the sound bite bandwagon during campaigns. That goes for “binders full of woman,” “47%,” “the private sector’s doing fine,” and plenty of others I’m glad I don’t remember. We’re all aware of how far they’re taken out of context, and that they don’t mean what we pretend they mean. Perpetuating sound bites makes us part of the problem. And using them in jokes is boring and unfunny.
– As Sir Winston Churchill once said, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood for something, sometime in your life.” Continue to fight for what you believe in, but do so civilly, and entertain other viewpoints at least occasionally. Watching Rachel Maddow (if you’re a Democrat) or listening to Rush Limbaugh (if you’re a Republican) does not count.
– Telling someone what they “should” do will only make them want to do it less. This is the wrong way to spread your message.
– Continue to not give a shit what celebrities think.
I love you all, and God bless America.
Sam
(P.S. I wrote that first paragraph Tuesday morning. Just left the name blank. It’s easy to call for “support for the president” and “coming together as a nation” when your side won. The only way to get where we need to be is to do those things when your side lost.)
I hope this note finds you well. I wanted to write you to give you an update on things, because as you may have noticed, not much has been happening on the ol’ blog lately. “Well Sam,” you might say, “is that because you’ve been ignoring us?” And the answer is yes, but I assure you it’s for a good cause. The reason I haven’t written much here lately is because I’ve been focusing on my next book. Yep, another book is coming! WOOOHOOOO!!!!KHS:DC&$(&%^^%&%$&FSDF&%^$##!!!!!!!! KARATEKICK!!! EXPLOSIONNNNNNNNN!!!WER(*&($*(*^$@#$@#$!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Deep breaths. But seriously, I’m excited about it – the title is still in the works, but the book is going to be a collection of blog-style musings that will probably tickle the hell out of your fancy. It’ll include some of my best topics, as well as forthcoming gems such as “Confessions of a WiFi Thief,” “The Road to Branson, Missouri,” and “A Message to the Guy Who Leaves His Cart in the Middle of the Grocery Store Parking Lot.”
The plan is to get it launched by early next year, and I’ll of course keep you posted. But if I neglect the blog a little in the coming months, forgive me – I’m probably holed up in a damp basement room, pounding away at a keyboard under the dim light of a single exposed overhead bulb. Water is dripping somewhere and I likely have a blanket over my shoulders and some sort of chocolate bar half-eaten by my side. I’m either insane or 80 years old.
Hey guys! GUYS! I wanted to let you know that my second book, 
“Unleash the Dragon.”
Hey gang. So I had an idea while listening to a particularly offensive 80’s ballad last night: what if we could democratically determine the worst song in history? Now, the obvious answer to that question is “We can’t, you idiot. Individual musical tastes are far too varied to ever garner a consensus, plus there are way too many terrible songs to list.” Most rational people would stop there, but I’ve never been a big fan of rational thought, and thus comes my grandiose proposal:
We’re naming winter storms now.